a time to wait

I feel like I’m sitting on the bench. On the sidelines of the game of my life.

It’s winter. In Canberra. A city that I adore for its people and the bush not too far from any suburb, but a place that is undoubtedly not my home.

Something happens to me in winter. My energy, my zest for life, my libido and my creativity all go into hibernation. I am left struggling to find meaning or purpose. I spend a lot more time engaging in escapism. I crave more sweets, more wine, more books, more television.

And I’m sitting here staring down the barrel of another 12 months of my undergraduate degree. I’ve been doing this for too long. I’m 24 and today I feel old.

I’ve been mulling over the tone of this blog post since I published the last one. I don’t want to pull out my computer and dribble depressing words onto my screen. I want this blog to be a place for energy, enthusiasm, passion. But I realised that most of all I want to share with honesty and integrity. And in doing so, sometimes that will come with a less than upbeat tone.

So.

The question that keeps tumbling about in my mind is: how much time do we have to spend in the wings before we step out onto the stage? 

Because I feel like my word du jour is waiting. 

Waiting for my partner to come home from his job out of town.

Waiting for the holidays to be over so I can go back to study.

Waiting for winter to be over so I can spend more time in the sunshine.

Waiting for my degree to be over so I can move onto Linsey, part III.

I spent much of my childhood waiting. Waiting for one parent or another to arrive or leave. Waiting to move, to start again in a new home, a new school. Waiting for school to be over for the day, week, term, year. Waiting to leave home so I could make my own choices and decide my own fate.

I think childhood Linsey would be disappointed that I’m not doing something more interesting by now. Realising my purpose.

So how much of this is necessary and how much is just idling away life without really living?

I know what I want: a successful business. To have enough money to be able to provide for myself and my family without financial stress. To help people move towards self-fulfilment so they have space in their hearts and heads for compassion, empathy and mindfulness towards others and the environment. To soak up more of the world.

But right now, I just feel stuck.

And I’m struggling to reason my way out of it.

Older people seem to better at waiting than younger folks. My grandfather recently advised my mother that it was only 15 years until she retired, so why not wait until then to make the changes in her life that she is craving?!

On the other end of the scale is the carpe diem attitude that has permeated everything from advertising (Nike’s “just do it”) to self-help literature, TED talks by famous entrepreneurs to hashtags on social media (#YOLO, anyone?).

Is there purpose in waiting? In being decidedly less busy than everyone around us? In enduring drudgery in the hope that once it’s over we will be glad for it?

This degree that is making me miserable. This winter that castrates me. Is there a lesson in it? In patience, perhaps?

If I’ve just made you feel a bit sad, and shitty at me for making you feel sad, watch this video. Family is a beautiful thing 🙂